


Stan's Friends Are The Worst

by sozmom



Series: Stans Friends Need To Get Their Shit Together [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Crack I guess, Fluff, M/M, Saphael from Stan's PoV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 18:07:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7372135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sozmom/pseuds/sozmom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stan's view of his best friendgling and his clan leader's relationship (or lack thereof)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stan's Friends Are The Worst

 

Stan remembered very little about when he was turned. He remembered Camille of course, meeting her and her red lips and red dress and red diamonds and red red red red red.

He remembered waking up to a well placed kick in his side.

"Get off the floor you're going to stain the rug"

That's when he met Raphael.

That was also the day he knew that he hated Camille and would follow Raphael to hell and back if he asked.

Being a vampire, surprisingly, was not a big deal during his first day as a vampire.

It was a big deal when he had to keep it from his parents. He made up excuses to miss yacht parties and garden parties and grand openings and all the things that came with being the heir to a very nice fortune. His night life was unaffected though.

He liked clubbing even if Raphael disapproved. Apparently it was a 'waste of time'' but Stan figured he was just annoyed because he often found him passed out on the floor or the rug or the couch or on one memorable occasion Raphael's desk.

His parents eventually died, he inherited their fortune. Camille's 'investment' paid off in the end. However his loyalty to Raphael paid off in ten folds when his new best friendgling showed up and shook the metaphorical boat. Now Camille was locked in the basement and Raphael was what he was supposed to be be. Leader of the biggest vampire clan in New York.

  
But despite having something he'd wanted for years Raphael still looked damn miserable.

And it's the fledglings fault.  
  
Unlike other vampires in the hotel Stan liked Simon. He's young and naïve sure but he's got a lot of heart and he's teaching Stan the wonders of social media. (Stan's got a Twitter for the Hotel Dumort that he posted out of context quotes on, most of them are from Raphael alone).

But Stan's not the only one who _liked_ the fledgling - Raphael is head over heels for dorkus borkus and the feeling is clearly very mutual.

Then why aren't they together?

Oh yeah because they're fucking idiots.

So Raphael is miserable and Simon is always pining and Stan is caught in the middle of this clusterfuck of stupidity.

It's seriously killing his good vibes.

————————————

  
"Dude Clary managed to get my console, cmon I wanna beat your ass in MK" The fledgling said as he tugged Stan's sleeve until he followed Simon to the common room.

Stan lets himself get tugged along, amused at how similar Simon is to an excited puppy showing you the dead rodent it's managed to drag onto your carpet.

Stan missed Floofles. He died shortly before his mother. One of their family jokes was that she couldn't continue on after her precious poodle had passed.

Simon pushed Stan to sit in front of the tv and handed him a controller.

"I call Johnny Cage" He said even though Stan had no idea who the hell that was.

They started up the game and Stan got the shit kicked out of him within the first couple of minutes.

"Rematch!" He called angrily.

"Chill there's three rounds" Simon laughed at him which, if anything, spurred on Stan's competitive nature.

"You're about to die Lewis"

"Already dead ... Wait what's your second name?"

"Your mom"

"Mature"

"I know"

  
————————————

  
Stan remained completely terrible at Mortal Kombat ('why is it spelt with a K that's just wrong!' 'Aesthetic'). Even after several hours of playing it.

He was about to stuff the controller down Simons throat when Raphael showed up.

"What are you two doing its nearly 4pm" He asked, very (un)subtly checking Simon out. Stan's groggy brain threw an idea at him and he was too tired to think too much about how poorly it could go.

He stumbled to his feet and thrusted the controller into Raphael's hands. He 'gently' guided (read: aggressively shoved) Raphael into his previous position on the floor next to Simon.

"Play. Win. Defend My Honour" he said before promptly falling face first on to the couch.

He didn't see Raphael's facial expression but he can tell its annoyed. Stan's psychic that way.

"I'm going to pound you - I mean.. In the game .. Pound you like the game- shut up" Simon stuttered out and Stan barely contained a groan at how terrible that was. He's obviously going to tweet it but still it was terrible.

"I didn't say anything"

"Your face was doing a .. thing"

"A .... thing?"

"Yeah make it shut up"

" _Your_ face should shut up"

God they were sickeningly perfect for each other. Stan just wanted to bash their heads together until they realised their undying love and made out or something.

He heard the tell tale signs of the two button mashing like their life depended on it and is nearly lulled him to sleep until.....

"BULLSHIT" Simon screeched. "You've played this before! You've had to!"

"I don't even know what we're playing" Raphael said sounding amused.

"No way! Rematch. I. Will. Beat. You"

"Sure Lewis"

"I will Santiago"

Stan groaned and curled into the couch. Hopefully he'll pass out before he's forced to listen to more terrible unresolved sexually charged smack talk.

He didn't fall asleep.

Raphael beat Simon every round.

When they finally called it quits Raphael admitted that he had played Mortal Kombat before.

"I FUCKING KNEW IT YOU CHEATING BASTARD" Simon had screamed.

Raphael's laugh was a weird and foreign thing.

Stan was suddenly very glad of the fledglings existence.

Then the moment passed he returned to mildly hating both of them for depriving him of his beauty sleep.

  
————————————

Patrol was one of the few duties Stan shared with Raphael.

Usually he schmoozed socialites at parties or threw money at this person or that company until the clan could get what it wanted or needed or whatever. He didn't ask for specifics, he just assumed Raphael wouldn't steer him wrong.

Patrol was boring sure, but it was the only time he felt like he was being actually useful even if nothing ever happened during.

It's one of the few times he and Raphael are alone as well. They had great heart to hearts during patrols that both of them pretended never happened when they got back to the hotel. It's a good system, really.

Conversation is surprisingly lacking today. Not for Stan's lack of trying that is.

"So Simon seems to be settling in well" Stan tried, for the millionth time, to start some form of banter.

"Mm, you'd know more about that than me" Raphael replied, he sounded almost ... resentful?

Oh no.

Oh hell fucking no.

Not this.

"Not really I mean we hang out sometimes but I don't oversee his training or anything. That's you right?" Take the bait. Take the bait.

"Oh"

That's it?

Oh?

"Aren't you his trainer?"

"Yes"

"So you'd know more about how he's settling in than me"

"Look I don't know what you're trying to get out of me Stan. I thought you two were. ... nevermind ... Unless you want ... And that's why you're asking..."

Raphael abruptly turned around and faced Stan. This wasn't going end well.

"If you're interested in having a relationship with Simon -"

"I'm not"

"-and you're wondering whether or not it's a fruitless effort -"

"It is I'm not interested in him"

"-because you're afraid he isn't going to remain part of the clan -"

"Raphael"

" - I can assure you he is welcome to stay"

"Raph"

"Stan"

"I'm not interested in Simon"

"You don't have to lie it's perfectly alri-"

"Listen, you short angry man! I am not interested in the fledgling! He's great, he's my friend but we both know who he really wants to be with here"

Stan waited with bated breath for Raphael to catch on .. To realise ...

Raphael's face crumbled "yes" he said "I know". He mumbled something under his breath and it sounded an awful lot like 'damn shadowhunter'

Stan wanted to smack him. He was going to until Raphael roughly grabbed him by the lapels.

"You've obviously figured out how I feel about him but you need to promise me you won't tell him"

"Raphael!"

"Promise me!"

A sigh escaped Stan. This had gotten way too overdramatic for his liking. Plus Raphael was wrinkling his suit.

"I promise"

He let go of Stan.

"Thank you"

Their patrol passed quietly after that.

Stan went to the hotel and beat his head off his bedroom wall for a little while. He didn't feel better about the situation. Neither did his wall. He'll throw money at someone to fix it.

If only he could through money at Simon and Raphael to fix them.

  
————————————

He took Simon clubbing.

Was it his best idea? No.

Was it his worst? No and that's all that matters.

Simon's dancing was atrocious and he did not enjoy the alcohol infused blood cocktails (even though he kept drinking them). However he did get into a fight. Stan was never more proud even if Simon got the shit kicked out of him.

Raphael was less than impressed when they returned to the hotel, arms linked and swaying dangerously.

"Are you okay?" Raphael asked taking in Simons woozy smile and busted lip.

Simon slung his arm around Raphael, practically stumbling into his arms.

"I'm fiiiine really you shoulda seen th'other guy" Simon slurred leaning heavily against the clan leader.

"Just how much did he have to drink?" Raphael asked, worry etched on his face but there was an unmistakable fondness there as well.

"I on'y had a lil bit"

"Go home Simon you're drunk" Stan said, unable to help his grin. He was also very drunk.

"Am home" Simon mumbled burying his face in Raphael's shoulder.

Raphael looked both incredibly happy and incredibly pained at the same time.

Stan went to pat Raphael on the shoulder but miscalculated his height and ended up patting his face, much to the elders annoyance.

"He likes you" Stan reassured before stumbling towards the vague direction of his room.

He thought he heard Simon patting Raphael's face and repeating "I like you"

He probably imagined it.

  
————————————

  
Nightmares are something all vampires have. It's an unfortunate side effect of being dead. At least for the first couple weeks. Stan knows most people in the hotel have nightmares about clawing their way out of their grave. Some of the older vamps who had to survive on their own sometimes had nightmares of the lives they took while deranged with hunger.

Stan had nightmares that never made sense - red red red water red diamonds black more red. Never anything discernible. Always just blinding red and the feeling of fear, disgust and something else that shut down his lungs with how overpowering it was.

If he thinks extra hard he remembers things, remembers Camille and a swimming pool or was it the ocean? There's water and when he thinks really hard he hears screams.

Then he stops thinking and goes clubbing and the nightmares go away.

He thought bringing Simon clubbing would help the fledgling with his nightmares but judging from the whimpers that came from his room it didn't.

Something different happened that night though. There was a hushed voice that woke Simon.

"Simon - it's okay - I'm here" who was that?

"Raphael" came Simons croaky response.

"I'm here"

Raphael.

Huh maybe clubbing wasn't such a bad idea.

————————————

The next morning (technically night) Stan shuffled into the communal kitchen, washed out one of the mugs with a cheesy slogan on it and filled it with about a pint of blood. He didn't really need it after last night but did it anyway out of habit.

Simon shuffled in next. He bumped around the kitchen blindly making his own mug.

He jumped a little when he finally acknowledged Stan's presence.

"Morning" He greeted

"Not technically"

"Not everything has to be technical" Simon said making a face.

Stan ignored him and let his brain catch up with the rest of his body. How much did he have to drink last night?

Judging from his turning stomach a fuck ton.

He hasn't been sick since '73 but it looks like his streak may be coming to an end soon.

Stan looked up at his best friendgling (a name he'd affectionately came up with while mildly tipsy) and noticed two things.

1\. Simon looked like shit.  
2\. He was wearing Raphael's dress shirt.

Stan thought long and hard about whether or not he should comment on it.

He decided not to but hoped that his assumptions were correct.

He really couldn't handle any more of the awkward sexual tension buzzing between them anyhow.

————————————

Stan regretted very little about his life. No point dwelling in the past. His life is an endless future why should he waste a second of it on something so trivial?

He didn't regret things but boy does he regret walking into Simons room without knocking.

"Oh my god" a great thump suggested Simon had just fallen off of his bed (off Raphael but that's a mental image Stan doesn't need to keep).

"Stanford Paisley I swear to god ..." Raphael started, before he descended into a Spanglish rant which was usually a fascinating thing but the damage was done.

"wait wait wait.." Simon said.

Oh no.

Oh hell fucking no.

" _Stanford Paisley!_ "

"Shut up. Shut. Up" Stan said, very glad that vampires couldn't blush.

"That's actually you're name"

"I'm too rich and beautiful for this" He said because he was. Stan deserved nice things. He deserved happiness. Not this.

" _Stanford Paisley!_ "

"That's it I'm leaving. I hope you both die a second time"

He can hear Simon laughing even as he briskly walked away from his two friends.

He needed new friends.

Or a cocktail.

Or both.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Haha it's 2am and I've lost it. 
> 
> Send help
> 
> Also follow me on tumblr bathildahotshot.tumblr.com


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